RE: chapter for book....on Mississippi boat trip


Travel: a lifestyle choice that doesn't fit everyone
Sometimes Karon was called upon to discuss things on
her show she might not agree with-or enjoy. But she
always said she was not a quitter, and was open
minded. This resolve was tested to the max on a trip
down the Mississippi River. America Nurse is much more
than a health show. Karon covers all kinds of
lifestyle issues, including vacations. So, when she
was offered a 14 day trip down the old Mississippi in
a small cruise ship, she jumped at the chance to show
her viewers a slower and simpler side of travel.
She did not know just how slow and simple it was
going to be. A veteran of large cruise ships, covering
many ports of call, Karon, her husband, Ralph, and two
friends who worked on the show packed their bags and
headed off to Chicago's Navy Pier, the starting point
of a 14 day cruise. Never one to travel light, as she
never knew what kind of event she'd have to record for
the show, Karon packed everything she thought she'd
need-from simple sports clothes to dressy outfits fit
for dinner with the Captain.
Few refuse a free trip, and on the appointed day the
little group met on the pier. Arriving at Navy Pier,
Karon was amazed at how small the 'ship' was-and the
crew was amazed at how much luggage one woman could
pack. "I should have known this was going wrong when
my friends told me the steward was laughing out loud
at our pile of luggage," Karon remembers. "And we
found if we wanted alcoholic beverages, we had to
bring our own as we stood in the waiting room about to
board. The room was circled by a ledge, covered with
the left-overs from other cruises-bottle after bottle,
lined up waiting to be claimed."
The accommodations were not what Karon and Ralph had
expected. Used to the luxurious accommodations of the
larger cruise ships they had been on, they found their
room little more than a closet. "The room was so small
Ralph said he'd have to step outside to change his
mind," Karon laughed. "And he was right. There was no
closet for clothes, just a few pegs to hang things on.
And there was no washer and dryer on board."
The ship advertised that each room had its own toilet
facilities, and they were right-sort of. "It was the
only bath I've ever been in where you could sit on the
toilet and shower at the same time," Karon said. "The
toilets included with each room were the only
facilities on board. So if your toilet went out, and
several did, you were in deep trouble."
It didn't take long for the toilets to make things
miserable for some passengers. "My friends had a water
leak in their cabin, and it sprayed all over their
clothes-all neatly hanging on the pegs. Other
passengers had their toilets back up, making for a not
very pleasant cabin atmosphere."
An exercise buff who had just lost 30 pounds, Karon
was delighted to show off her new figure in cruise
wear. But there was no place to show off anything. The
deck was so small that a walk around the deck for
exercise had to be done single file. No exercise room
on this ship!
"I had asked for a low fat diet, but when I spoke
with the chef I was told there is no low fat diet-or
any other special diet-on this ship," Karon says. "It
was take it, or leave it."
At dinner a bell was rung and the passengers would
run for seats, trying to get the best spots. "It
became clear very early on that this was the cruise
for drinkers," Karon remembers. "By dinner the
drinkers were already plastered. The evening did not
get any better, either. There was no TV, no news, only
a VCR with old movies and some board games. Most of
the passengers went to bed very early. We were the
only group that stayed up past 9 p.m., so we were the
only ones who saw much of what went on on the ship."
The passengers were varied and colorful. One was an
heiress from the East Coast, and her boyfriend, who
found the alcoholic beverages vastly more interesting
than the sights. "A wealthy heiress and her male
friend had paid extra to be supplied with vodka,"
Karon said. "By dinner she'd fall into the lap of her
companion, who said she 'had too much to eat.' A
history professor and his wife were also on board. His
passion was the Civil War and he gave classes on
battles that happened near the river as we floated
down stream. He was determined to visit some of the
historic sites. I was in a napkin folding class with
his wife who observed 'I don't think you like this
cruise. You don't like being alone.' I told her I
didn't like being alone with some people."
The crew wasn't much better than the accommodations.
The Captain was lame, ostensible because he fell into
the motor on the last trip. Though he knew Karon and
her group were on board to film for a TV show, he
still refused to talk with her. The assistant captain
missed the boat at Navy Pier, because he had to attend
a wedding the passengers were told. He joined the boat
in stunning style, jumping off the bridge, complete
with suitcase in hand, in St. Louis. The Captain
steered the boat close to shore so the jump would be
shorter-Karon and friends thought they were stopping
there, where they could see a shopping mall, complete
with Sear's store, in the distance. But the trip was
running late, so the crew member made his jump and the
little ship continued on down the river.
The boat began its journey south, slipping gently
past picturesque river front towns. There were
numerous shore excursions planned and Karon and her
group began looking forward to them. "One of our most
exciting trips was a choice: visit the Wall-Mart, a
liquor store, or a laundromat. I took the Wall-Mart
excursion. Never has the store looked better!"
At Cuba, Ill. the passengers were invited on a tour
of the city, led by the Chamber of Commerce. "The tour
took 45 minutes and we visited a hospital," Karon
said. "We got back 10 minutes late and were told the
next time the ship would leave without us. Getting
home would be our problem."
By Joliet, which took two days to get to, Karon and
her group were pretty certain this kind of trip was
not for them. Ralph suggested they leave now, grab a
train back to Chicago, and consider it educational.
Karon nixed the idea, a decision she would come to
regret. "I'm not a quitter," she loudly proclaimed as
she told everyone she was staying for the duration.
Things went downhill from there.
By St. Louis a tour of the arch was cancelled due to
a fire the night before. The passengers were offered a
bus tour, but most declined. "Most of the passengers
were plotzed by then anyway," Karon says. "They were
mostly bird watchers, on board to see the birds. We
were looking for more excitement. So we stayed up at
night, playing board games, though I know I fell
asleep at 7 p.m. several nights."
Moorings were usually early, with the Captain revving
his motors as he pulled into the smallest marinas
Karon had ever seen. "We passed some beautiful
marinas, with really nice looking restaurants, but
they were never the ones we'd stop at," she says.
One night the ship was tied up between a tree and an
old rusted out pick up truck. Apparently the ship was
blocking the river channel because a yacht got stuck.
Ralph and the crew used ropes to drag the yacht back
into deeper water. "It was pretty scary until we found
the people climbing onto our ship were not river
pirates," Karon says. "We were sitting there playing
board games and someone called out 'Ahoy'. We had no
idea who can clambering on board."
Several times, while sitting up late at night-all of
9 p.m.-Karon and her group watched as the crew
deserted the ship in a skiff to go to town to party.
"It was pretty dismal to realize even the crew wanted
off the ship," she recalls.
As the ship reached Kentucky Lake the passengers were
told there would be the opportunity to visit a 'really
fancy night club.' Karon and her group got all dressed
up in the fancy clothes they had brought to have
dinner with the Captain. High heels and jewelry was
dusted off and they were told they could walk to the
night club. "We piled off the ship and onto a pitch
black dock," Karon says. "We decided to start walking
down a dirt and gravel road to some lights we saw in
the distance. We walked miles and never found the
night club. We did find an emergency phone and called
it for help. The forest ranger on duty noted it was 11
.m. and he was off duty. But we prevailed upon him and
he came to get us with an old pick up. Some of the
ladies had to ride in back, all bedecked in their
finery. But it beat walking back through the woods and
swatting the bugs. One of my friends wanted to go to
church in the morning. The ranger said we could always
catch a cab and ride to Memphis to find a church."
Another interesting side trip was to an old
Antebellum mansion, especially fascinating to the
Civil War buff and his wife. "When we arrived and
entered this old house you could not believe the
heat," Karon remembers. "It hit you like a blast from
a furnace. We estimated it was over 100 degrees, and
the house was even hotter. I opted to sit outside, and
miss the tour, but others went on in. They came
staggering back out and dropped at my feet. some 15 of
them passed out. I was glad I was a nurse."
The little ship continued on its journey, diverting
off the Mississippi onto the Tom Bigbee river system
which goes to the Gulf through Alabama. One of the
most memorable dockings was in between two huge cruise
ships. "We looked at those luxurious liners and wished
we were on them," Karon said. "We passed beautiful
moorings and lovely restaurants, but we never stopped
there. We always found other places to stop."
Spending two weeks on a boat affected some of the
passengers. "I never knew I needed ground," says Jean,
one of Karon's friends on the trip. "All we did was
get off the boat and get onto a bus for our shore
excursions. I needed to be on the ground, without
movement. It was almost claustrophobic. I guess when
I'm on a body of water I feel like I have no control.
you truly felt helpless."
It did not help that no one's cell phone worked.
Apparently there were not cell towers in the areas the
ship passed through, so once they stopped, the
passengers would line up at a pay phone, desperate to
get in touch with their lives once more.
The food was not an attraction, either. "We were all
depressed and angry on the trip," recalls Jean. "We
thought it would be entirely something different. The
food was nothing like we had become accustomed to on
other cruise lines. I'm a meat and potatoes person,
and a 'Cookie Monster', and they literally closed the
kitchen just after dinner, leaving a pathetic bowl of
apples or perhaps a few cookies for late night
snacking."
On the last night on board they pulled out all the
stops and said there would be a lobster dinner. They
also pulled out all the leftover liquor and the
Captain and crew got drunk. "They must have
underestimated the number on board, because they had
probably 25 lobsters for more than 100 people," Karon
said. "I never got a bite. But that was OK because I
knew 'd be off the ship soon and that was good enough
for me!"
"I tell people if you're dying and only have two
weeks to live, get on that ship," Karon laughs. "It
will seem like the longest two weeks of your life. Or,
if the FBI is looking for you, get on board. They'll
never find you!"
Karon dutifully reported the trip on her TV show,
noting that some people enjoy this kind of trip. "But
it certainly was not for me!" she said.